Due to the ongoing pandemic, the Academic Senate decided that there will be no final exams for undergraduates and graduate students for the entire 2020-21 academic year. If this sounds too good to be true, then I just want to ask: Who hurt you? I loved combining finals week and Week 10 so much that I felt inspired — compelled, even — to write this op-ed, and it’s totally not because there is a mercenary hired by the Academic Senate standing behind me. 

Last quarter, I thrived here at Zoom University. Not only was I academically stimulated by my weekly problem sets and assignments, but I also got to see my intellectual vitality roar into action with four separate cumulative assessments that just happened to be worth a large percentage of my grade.

Sure, it was a bit difficult trying to cram a visit to office hours in between midterms during Week 10, but it was totally doable once I realized you could double fist two cups of coffee from the dining hall. And boy oh boy, was it worth it.

Once I submitted my last exam — again, not technically a final — I think I saw the heavens for a few minutes. (In the end, it just turned out to be what other people normally see when they close their eyelids.)

And the best part of this new policy is how everyone benefits! Professors (who only have one week to review all our assignments and submit grades) and our teaching assistants (who probably don’t have anything better to do with their spring break) can all relax in the three hours in between winter and spring quarter!

I’m so reinvigorated from last quarter that I totally do not feel burned out approaching this upcoming quarter. Intellectual vitality gang, let’s go!!!!

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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