Humor by Sarah Lewis
Last week, traffic in the Suez Canal ground to a halt when the enormous containership Ever Given became lodged in the waterway. The ship, whose length spans nearly the size of the Empire State Building, rendered passage impossible and created an enormous backlog of ships behind it, disrupting global trade for more than 72 hours.
“Seventy-two hours? That’s nothing,” stated Noah Baum ’21 while munching on his third piece of matzah today. “Try a full week of blockage, then maybe we’ll talk.”
According to a new study released by scientist Ron Finglethorp of the famed Stanford Stomachache Lab, when directly comparing the blockage of the Suez Canal by Ever Given to the blockage of the human digestive tract by a full week’s worth of matzah, it is “immediately evident which one is drastically more disruptive and distressing.”
“We had to adjust for scale, of course,” said Finglethorp. “But the sheer amount of discomfort wrought by half-digested matzah dams in the large intestine cannot be overstated. I suppose it’s not called the bread of affliction for nothing.”
Even students on campus are feeling the effects of having a good Pesach.
“I haven’t pooped in a week,” said Miriam Blumenthal ’23, a CS major observing Passover from her dorm. “A week. A full week. I’m not shitting you! Hahaha. See what I did there? But in all seriousness, do you have any MiraLAX or prunes on you? If a certain exodus doesn’t happen soon I may genuinely need to seek medical attention.”
Blumenthal is not alone in her struggles.
“Who knows one?” said Jonathan Mirman ’20. “I know one. I mean, I know one guy whose intestines are more compacted than the bricks that built the pyramids, and you’re looking at him.”
We reached out to Mirman’s digestive tract for comment but it felt so overwhelmed that it was unable to make a statement, emitting only a low, uncomfortable gurgling sound when we pressed our mic into his stomach.
“I actually enjoy Passover,” said Ruth Neuman ’21, a biology Ph.D. student researching the use of frogs as leverage in high-stakes hostage negotiations. “It’s such a thought-provoking holiday. Every Pesach I feel compelled to pose the same four age-old questions: ‘Do you have a bathroom?’ ‘May I use your bathroom?’ ‘Where is your bathroom?’ and ‘Do you mind if I sit for a while?’”
Still, even with the self-reflection, mandatory wine drinking and the 1998 cinematic Pesach masterpiece “The Prince of Egypt,” some students are not enjoying their Passover.
“I mean, yeah, I’m definitely not having a great time,” stated Ezra Asherides ’22. “Why couldn’t matzah have more fiber in it? Haven’t our people suffered enough??”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
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