Hello,

I am writing this open letter to say that I have made the difficult decision to drop my class, MATH 553: “Understanding ‘Shark Tale’ through Linear Abstractions,” from my study list. I came to this decision after much thought, and though I was highly motivated to teach, I think I just overcommitted this quarter and will be going to seek further support.

I had the honor of delivering two-and-a-half weeks of lectures on riveting topics such as “How do they talk without lungs?”, “Don Lino’s peculiar head shape and existentialism” and “Was this the beginning of the end for Will Smith?”. I came up with the topic for this class, lobbied for its implementation for 72 months with the administration and responded to honest concerns such as “How will students benefit from this knowledge?”, “I think you’re reading into it a little too much” and “This is the Math Department and it’s 2 a.m., please leave me alone.” However, I have to come to the ultimate decision that this class is simply not for me. I hope my esteemed student will understand.

I know that my contributions in the field will be sorely missed, but I want to be firm in asserting that this was a decision that had to be made. Aquatic cartoon cinematography has a bright future with emerging analyses from neo-Hegelian Nemo scholars who bring exciting insights to the area. I will further assert to my dying breath that we should be listed as a mathematics course, and I would like to see corresponding recognition from the relevant communities (Nobel, Fields, etc.).

To my student, I pray only that you do not see this as me leaving you hanging. I can only say this: We ran a check and I was just not feeling the vibes. Furthermore, I hope that you will take into consideration that I gave you the courtesy of making this challenging decision before the add/drop deadline, so I’m hoping the University will keep this unsightly predicament off of both of our records. Now, I don’t actually know who you are, since I insisted on strictly using Zoom webinars rather than meetings, but I think it suffices that you know who I am. I am sure that you will be able to find similar value in taking another great nine-unit class or by, you know, just doing nothing.

All of this being said, perhaps my greatest regret will be that I never got the opportunity to deliver the scheduled Week 6 lecture entitled: “Wait, Martin Scorsese was in this?”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.