We renamed the ResX neighborhoods so that you wouldn’t have to

Humor by

When speaking of fostering community and innovatively catering to all Stanford students’ emotional and social needs, the first thing that comes to mind is, of course, ResX! These magical bundles of residential delight we endearingly call “neighborhoods,” however, have yet to receive their proper names (unfortunately, the cutting-edge S-T-A-N-F-O-R-D nomenclature that would have made other universities green with envy isn’t here to stay). As mentioned in the email sent out by the Office of the Vice Provost of Student Affairs, “We want to take some time to work with our community to find the right long-term names. We’d love to hear your ideas!” So glad they asked!

  1. Naming neighborhoods after Stanford undergrads’ failed start-ups

The company you eagerly started your freshman year failed miserably — I mean, really, who thought spinster-specific social media was a good idea? But at least its name will live on! No one will ever forget that they lived in “Spinstagram” for three years, even if they wanted to.

2. Named after different circles of Hell

Hey, might as well! The last circle being GovCo, of course. How far is it from the truth, anyway?

3. Scrambling the letters of “Stanford” eight different ways

This is to pay homage to the utter genius of the original “S-T-A-N-F-O-R-D” lettering, but with a little twist. “Fartdosn,” “Nostrafd” and “Dasronft” are some of our favorites.

4. The name of the most popular person in the neighborhood

Let’s face it: it may as well be called “Carl” if he’s the only one who people outside the neighborhood have actually heard of.

5. Different Ways requirements

Neighborhood-WAY-SMA, Neighbourhood-WAY-CE and Neighborhood-WAY-AQR. How F-U-N, and how quintessentially Stanford!

6. Frat party drinks

Because who wouldn’t want to live in “Neighborhood Fireball” or “Neighborhood Jungle Juice”?

7. Or frats themselves, since they may be abolished anyway!

Maybe we could switch it up a little, though. “Sigma Apple Pie” and “Kappa Epsilon Gamma (K.E.G.)” seem like good places to start.

8. Each after a different Ivy League school:

Since some of us couldn’t get into a lot of them, this will give us the perfect opportunity to finally live “at Harvard.”

9. Let’s just name them all “Arrillaga.”

In proper Stanford fashion.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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