Libra – Nourish your soul by entering the exciting world of orange-scented soap production. 

Aries – Beware of children.

Sagittarius – Be kind to ugly people today.

Pisces – Open sesame. 

Scorpio – Bathing in the blood of your enemies is great for oily skin.

Taurus – Try again next week.

Leo – Assert your dominance over the sun by refusing to support Big Sunscreen.

Capricorn – How can you be more like the drummer of the Red Hot Chili Peppers?

Gemini – Use citrus-scented soaps at your own peril.

Cancer – Accept a stranger’s kindness, you’ll only sort of regret it. 

Virgo – Be the hero of your own story and the wet blanket of someone else’s.

Aquarius – Ward off evil with garlic-infused Axe Body Spray.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact the Humor section at humor ‘at’ stanforddaily.com.