Humor by Sarah Lewis
‘Sup. I’m Cole Rungle. But my friends call me “The Runs.” You’ve probably heard of me. I’m the tall, jacked guy who rolls up to CS class 10 minutes late in a cool-ass hackathon T-shirt from high school, visibly expensive shorts and a very pungent pair of Allbirds. In addition to being a student of CS and sweet, sweet lovemaking, I also study philosophy.
Everyone’s always like, “What? Cole, you’re too sexy and cool to have deep thoughts!” But that is a hurtful misconception. I actually have very deep thoughts. In fact, all of my thoughts are at least 3 ½ inches deep, and that’s why I have it marked on my ruler — no other reason. So yeah, I’m constantly very deep. Girls always say so. Well, they do, but they won’t look me in the eyes when they say it for some reason. Because they’re shy or something.
Speaking of girls, some of my bros have told me that they haven’t been pulling recently. It’s rough trying to catch females right now; on Zoom no one can smell your pheromones. But don’t worry! I’m here to help. Prepare yourself, because you’re about to take in my deepest, girthiest and most philosophical thoughts on love or whatever.
Thought 1: On Urges
As social psychologist and absolute legend Jonathan Haidt once said: “Sports are to war as pornography is to sex.” I completely agree, in that when I watch it there’s a lot of sweat and I don’t know who’s winning.
Thought 2: On The Greeks
In my philosophy class we read a lot of stuff written by Greek guys who, despite being ancient, were constantly getting laid. Rock on! To make yourself into a veritable Arist-HOT-tle, you should Greece yourself up with olive oil, plan a couple orgies for you and your best bros and absolutely collapse the value of your economy under the weight of enormous debt, almost taking the entire E.U. with you. (Sorry bro, that was some econ humor. No worries if you didn’t get it, econ humor is only for the extremely intellectual, like me, or Scott Atlas.) Finally, while you should always be suspicious of horses, Trojans are your best friend. Hahaha get it? High five broseum!
Thought 3: On Growth
As Descartes once said, “you’re either a grow-er or a show-er.” Girls love a grow-er, if you know what I mean. I’m talking about that emotional growth, broski! Show ‘er what a grow-er you are: She’ll be impressed when your big brain instantly engorges with sensitive chick thoughts — for up to 15 minutes.
Thought 5: On Suffering
Camus once said: “It is not humiliating to be unhappy. Physical suffering is sometimes humiliating, but the suffering of being cannot be, it is life.” SIMP ALERT. Sounds like somebody’s down bad. Camus definitely didn’t f**k.
Thot 7: On the Soul
Aristotle once said: “Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.” Sick, right? Aristotle definitely f**ked.
Pensée 8: En Français
French shit is always romantic. Voltaire wrote (in a French accent): “Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination.” In reflecting upon this musing, I have found it to be entirely apt. Canvas is a good place to pick up chicks. Use every discussion question post as a chance to show just how much embroidery your imagination can do. Girls will be desperate to nom de plume, if you know what I mean.
Thought 9: On Late Night Thoughts
Sometimes, I wake in the middle of the night reaching for someone who isn’t there. I feel hounded by questions that seemingly have no answer. Will I ever know and be known? What part of me am I missing? Why does my soul cry out for companionship and yet shrink from the horrifying ordeal that is vulnerability?
HAH! You just got Rungled! You didn’t actually think I was seriously consumed with devastating loneliness, did you? Nah bro, I never have thoughts like that, and even if I did, I would just go to the kitchen and turn on a coffee grinder until they went away.
Come back next week for more philosophical thoughts. Or like if you miss me or something. Hahaha, I’m just kidding. Please come back.
Frat Boy Philosopher
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.