Libra – Shed your skin. 

Aries – [REDACTED]

Sagittarius – With great power comes great access to Lady Gaga’s discography.

Pisces – Jet skis are the harbingers of doom. 

Scorpio – Avoid fire safety PSAs.

Taurus – Life is an eternal panic. 

Leo – Узурпатор.

Capricorn – Beware loose skin.

Gemini – Try to not be offended when someone shows interest in your little thing. 

Cancer – 37.

Virgo – Why bee sad when you can bee investing in bee farms?

Aquarius – You can’t do better.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.