Libra – Shed your skin.
Aries – [REDACTED]
Sagittarius – With great power comes great access to Lady Gaga’s discography.
Pisces – Jet skis are the harbingers of doom.
Scorpio – Avoid fire safety PSAs.
Taurus – Life is an eternal panic.
Leo – Узурпатор.
Capricorn – Beware loose skin.
Gemini – Try to not be offended when someone shows interest in your little thing.
Cancer – 37.
Virgo – Why bee sad when you can bee investing in bee farms?
Aquarius – You can’t do better.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.