Humor by Lorenzo Del Rosario
While the Stanford administration held a meeting to determine whether or not 11 varsity sports should be cut, advocates for reinstating these sports angrily vandalized Building 10 — the building in between Buildings 9 and 11 — with spray chalk. Slogans such as “KSW” (Keep Stanford Winter Triathlon) and “KSR” (Keep Stanford Roomba wrestling) showed that these sports teams were largely involved with the building’s defacing. More surprisingly, Stanford’s world-renowned ultimate frisbee team expressed support for the protest.
At the rally, several ultimate players were seen carrying mega-size spray chalk sets to assist with vandalizing the building. Witnesses reported, however, that most of the ultimate frisbee team did not participate in the actual painting process. One frosh on the team — who wishes to remain anonymous so people don’t know that he actually plays ultimate frisbee — mentioned that they feared getting too involved and potentially having their sport defunded as a punishment by the University.
“The ultimate frisbee community at Stanford has had some serious financial problems lately,” he said. “ASSU gives us like thirty dollars each year, which is barely enough for us to have mediocre team-bonding events where we sit inside of someone’s living room and eat Kraft mac and cheese.”
Despite showing support for the message of the protest, the ultimate frisbee team also acknowledged that it was very disrespectful to use toilet brushes to clean up the mess. Cole Rungle, a well-known philosopher and integral member of Stanford’s ultimate team, expressed his dissatisfaction with this cleaning technique.
“They should’ve used one of those extendable dusters instead. Don’t they know that chalk is basically just dust?” Rungle said. “And when you really think about it, aren’t we all? What are we but dust in the wind?”
During the protest, several ultimate frisbee players were seen wearing T-shirts labeled “36 Sports Strong,” representing an advocacy group that aims to prevent the erasure of 11 varsity sports. When asked about why the ultimate frisbee team stood in support of this movement, captain Brodie Smith (no relation) stated,
“Although we technically aren’t part of the 11 sports being canceled, or really even the 36 sports that the organization is named after, we understand how hard it must be to have something you dedicated so much of your life to, to be canceled,” he said. “Flicking discs around is my only source of happiness nowadays, and I would never want ultimate frisbee, the most legitimate intramural sport in Stanford’s history, to be taken away from me.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.