YA side characters confused as to why strong female lead has fallen for man with personality of a paper plate

Humor by Michelle Fu
May 13, 2021, 9:05 p.m.

In Coriandrum, where people are divided into castes based on whether they think cilantro tastes like soap, there has been a new development: Lowborn street rat Fennel Pars’ley (loves cilantro and eats it with every meal) and High Prince August Sep’tem’ber (would compare the taste of cilantro to Dial) are in a forbidden relationship! 

Except no one can figure out why. 

“Really? Him?” said Countess June Ju’ly, turning her nose up at cilantro enjoyers while plotting their financial ruin. “If this man were a plant, he’d be grass. I don’t think he exudes a single ounce of charisma.”

Despite hating the Soapers (as the highborn are called), Fennel’s best friend Sage Ore’gan’o shared a similar opinion. 

“She saw him, like, once,” Sage said while waiting for her inevitable death that would push Fennel to lead an uprising against the privileged caste. “I asked her what happened and she said that he blinked, scratched his ear and said ‘Hey.’ And now she says she can’t stop thinking about him? Girl, you’re sacrificing the rebellion for this?”

Upon further investigation into this perplexing situation, it has been revealed that August’s hobbies include reading census records and putting on socks. Fennel’s mother, oppressed citizen Mint Pars’ley, says her daughter’s situation is disappointing but not a surprise. 

“This has happened before,” said Mint in a defeated voice brought on by Fennel’s idiocy and centuries of Soaper subjugation. “Just last week she was madly in love with Chive La’ven’der, a boy who I couldn’t describe with a gun to my head.” 

She then wondered who her daughter would ultimately choose, before deciding that she couldn’t bring herself to care. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Michelle Fu ’24 was the Graphics Managing Editor for Vol. 262-264. Before graduating, she could be found grinding out p-sets, shredding on the violin, and taking stealthy photos of fluffy dogs.

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