Libra – Define and redefine the terms of your relationship with your Kinder egg dealer.
Aquarius – Remove the backspace key from your keyboard.
Gemini – You will meet the love of your life while doing a fake British accent at a party you were not invited to.
Taurus – Remind yourself of the sensation of human touch by getting a full Brazilian.
Aries – Fall not for the false dichotomy of man.
Pisces – Is it you, or is it canned pineapples?
Capricorn – Look into the maw of a hippopotamus and laugh.
Sagittarius – Should you really add Deadmau5 to that mixtape for your crush?
Cancer – If a train travels 175 feet, how many palm trees are cut down in the Amazon?
Virgo – Live, laugh, loss of hearing/and or vision as a result of taking acuvula.
Leo – Ask yourself: Is your gas permeable?
Scorpio – If you seek healthy-looking skin, take it.