Humor by Charlie Kogen
This week, Stanford announced that it would be continuing the 11 varsity sports that it had previously planned to discontinue after the 2020-21 academic year. However, in a less widely circulated announcement, Stanford also unveiled plans to add five new sports to the mix.
Some of the sports, like bullfighting, swashbuckling and competitive hot dog eating, are more traditional, while others, like pool noodle jousting and nerd tossing, are the first of their kind at the Pac-12 level. “Stanford has always been at the forefront of athletic innovation,” the statement read, “which is why these new sports will be overseen by Stanford’s new Sector for Physically Oriented Rigor, Training and Spirit, or as we hope to call it, SPORTS.”
Some of these new sports, like bullfighting, have generated controversy because of their high barriers to entry. “I just don’t think everyone on campus can really afford an equal opportunity to bullfight,” said Bailey Barnes ’22. “I mean, like I guess I’m just lucky my family has a prize bull collection, but some people just aren’t as privileged, maybe like only one or two bulls.”
The announcement has also caused some communities on campus to petition for their sports to be included as well. One such group is made up of student and faculty representatives from the departments of psychology, philosophy and economics, who want to create a boxing ring where students can spar for better grades in their classes and professors can spar for higher salaries. “We’re trying to level out the playing field for the dudes who just can’t catch a break in any of their classes,” says Thaddeus Blorf ’23, an economics major and boxing enthusiast. “You got a problem with your TA? Just settle it in the ring, man-to-man. That’s how Keynes and Hayek hashed it out.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.