Stanford announces plan to enforce mandatory vaccination

June 1, 2021, 10:38 p.m.

Only a few weeks ago, Stanford announced that all students planning to enroll in the 2021-22 academic year must be microchipped vaccinated. Although legitimate medical and religious exemptions (not trypanophobia or Pastafarianism) are being allowed on a case-by-case basis, those who refuse to get the vaccine will be held accountable. To encourage students to get the COVID-19 vaccine by the July 23 deadline, the University has decided to implement a disturbing contractual agreement for students who refuse to get the vaccine. The conditions of the contract are listed below:

  1. Students who do not take the vaccine will be required to enroll in at least two chemistry courses during the 2021-22 academic year. Fun IntroSems like Chemistry in the Kitchen don’t count. The courses must be listed as requirements under the chemistry major.
  1. Students who are not vaccinated must live in West Campus — unless they ranked Neighborhood D or Neighborhood R within their top-three choices in the housing application form, in which case they must live in East Campus. They will also never be allowed to have housing in EVGR.
  1. Non-vaccinated students must exclusively date computer science majors for the remainder of their time at Stanford. They also have to listen to their significant other talk about how machine learning is the future at least three times per quarter.
  1. Students who refuse to get the vaccine must write for The Occasionally.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Lorenzo Del Rosario ’24 is the supreme dictator of the podcasts section. When he isn’t too busy taking long naps or religiously listening to Kendrick Lamar, he also writes for humor and the equity project. Hailing from the superior northern territory of Alaska, he plans on majoring in bioengineering and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at ldelrosario 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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