Humor by Lorenzo Del Rosario
Many of us, including myself, were not on campus for most of this past school year. As the new academic year sadly approaches, it’s understandable that many Stanford students will have questions and worries about what living on campus is like. As someone who has lived on campus for a grand total of ten weeks and two days over the summer, I pretty much know everything there is to know about this University. I figured I could help out some incoming freshmen plebeians and my fellow ‘24s by bestowing my knowledge on how they can make the best of their Stanford in-person experience.
For lunch, Stern dining is better than Wilbur dining.
You can always rely on Stern to have something for everyone, whether it’s pizza, burgers, tofu or pasta. It also has better soft-serve ice cream than Wilbur, with optional toppings and sugar cones right next to the machine, which is usually broken for only weeks at a time! Most importantly, however, it has delicious, mouth-watering, savory burritos that give you purpose to live. The combined flavors of cilantro rice, seasoned meat and fajita vegetables create a sensory experience unmatched by any other dish. The only caveat is that your stomach may or may not take a toll, but I assure you it’s worth it.
For Dinner, Wilbur dining is better than Stern dining.
Stock up on toilet paper.
At least in EVGR Building A, the front desk only gives two rolls of toilet paper per request. TWO ROLLS? This rationing is not an optimal amount of bathroom product, especially when considering the aforementioned Stern burrito bowls. Moreover, the toilet paper they provide is one-ply. Do yourself a favor and stock up on some four-ply Charmin Ultra Soft instead of relying on housing services.
Use a skateboard instead of a bike.
Skateboards (especially longboards) are the superior form of transportation on campus. Assuming you spend one minute locking and unlocking your bike every single day — which you do every single day of the week — you can save over an hour’s worth of time by using a board to get places each quarter. Of course, there’s a five-times greater chance of getting concussed and a 10-times greater chance of breaking a bone, but that’s all part of the fun!
Climb a roof.
Although there is a non-zero chance you might fall and severely injure yourself, being on an elevated surface is really fun and good for your mental health. There are so many buildings at Stanford, and therefore so many roofs to climb. If there’s a will, there’s a way.
Record everything in your notes app.
A lot more things happen on campus than they would virtually. It’s hard to remember what goes on each week because so many social events, activities and other things are happening at once. Whether it’s going fountain hopping with your friend group or watching your next-door neighbor get emotionally attached to her best friend’s friend, to remember all of the stuff that goes on, it’s helpful to keep track by writing it down. Your notes can also serve as blackmail when your friends become super rich!
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.