Just because you’re vaccinated, doesn’t mean I want you closer than 6 feet

Humor by Om Jahagirdar
Sept. 20, 2021, 9:04 p.m.

Over the summer, the CDC announced that the public can resume many in-person outdoor activities without wearing a mask if they are vaccinated. Many people, however, have continued to wear masks, social distance and take additional precautions due to immunocompromised individuals in their households and the increased transmissibility of the Delta variant. I suggest you also remain cautious — but mostly just because I want you to stay away from me.

You got your second dose, you felt sore and tired for a few days — and now you feel entitled to socialize. I get it. I’ve been vaccinated, too. But hearing your whiny voice within six feet of me is going to give me a splitting headache for the next month.

Another reason that you should social distance from me is to reduce rates of potential viral transmission through aerosol particles. Although social distancing, wearing a mask and getting vaccinated seem a foolproof way to prevent any contagion, I’d prefer if you shut your mouth when you’re around me just to play it safe.

I hear you loud and clear. You swab your nose, drop off your sample and receive negative results for SARS-CoV2 every week. But until you test negative for being an insufferable buzzkill, please keep your distance.

Sure, studies have shown the risk of transmission is minimal outdoors. But until there is a study investigating whether COVID is spread through cookie-cutter Instagram bios and inside-joke captions, please don’t contact me on social media either. You know what, I’ll block you, just to be sure. You’re welcome.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Om Jahagirdar is the Humor Managing Editor and All-Time Humblest Writer at The Daily. Contact him omjahagirdar 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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