Hello, my name is Sam, and I am writing to the community from my desk in Crothers to inform my fellow Cardinals and the rest of the Stanford community that I am doing just fine. 

When I requested special permission in June to enroll in CS107, CHEM 33 and EE 114, they said I was crazy. But I did 15 APs and you know what I wanted after that? More. I assure you all that I am perfectly sane and also this was completely my decision. I do not feel superior to you because I’m taking more units, and I am not being influenced by anyone. Definitely not my parents.

Well, I went to my five lectures today, and you know what? It was great. Awesome even. This is exactly what I envisioned when I thought about coming to college: soaking up that juicy, juicy info… and nothing else… until you’re saturated and bloated beyond recognition. I absolutely did not fall asleep, not even once, crumpling over and banging my head on my laptop perched on the fold-out desk, causing half of the lecture hall to turn and look at me. I did not skip breakfast, lunch and showers for the past week. And I surely did not cry six times today.

In conclusion, this has been a great experience, completely worth it and there is nothing I would change about it. If you would like to chat about how incredibly well I am doing right now, feel free to message me on GroupMe and we can grab dinner or play volleyball at Arguello at some point. Just not Friday, or Saturday, or Sunday, or Monday through Thursday. Also no afternoons. Evenings are also not great.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.