Humor by Defne Genc
This article is an account by Bradley Summers ’24. Please note that the actions mentioned in this article are not advisable to our readers.
“Last summer was a movie. When I arrived on campus for the first time, I was so excited to live in Otero! I was a party beast, taking beer shots left and right — but I noticed after a while that I was building a little too much of an alcohol tolerance, which was, of course, getting in the way of me getting lit. I had to do something about it, so I opted for a little ‘tea break.’ Thought it’d be good to, ya know, give others a head start this fall. Then last weekend, the game came around… I saw everyone tailgating and said: ‘Why not?'”
“People will tell you it was three beers. I’m telling you that’s bullsh*t. I swear to you that stuff was spiked with something. Maybe I swallowed some hand sanitizer, I don’t know. Or maybe it had vodka in it somewhere. The point is, I was set up. They didn’t need to call an ambulance. Sure, they’ll tell you I was knocked out and that they had no other choice, but I was well aware of my surroundings and let me tell you: that ride with all those sirens was kinda lit. But I digress — talk about fake friends.”
“What’s up with this new alcohol policy anyway? I don’t know what it says, exactly, but it’d better not get in the way of my party wave. Plus my RA’s a pretty chill dude — no way will he report me. Now that I’m in the groove again, I kinda wanna pre-game with him this Friday. He told me to rush Cap of Sig so I think that’s a pretty good sign. Plus he told me to drink responsibly or whatever after last time. That just means he’s down to help me do it, right?”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.