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‘How many times do I need to swab each orifice?’ and other COVID-19 FAQs answered

Humor by

As the alpha, delta and kappa sigma variants of COVID-19 have proliferated on campus, students have expressed concerns over what steps the university is taking to handle the situation. To address students’ confusion about COVID-19 protocols, the Stanford Administration paired up with Color Genomics to host a “Coronavirus Q&A panel” exclusive to members of The Occasionally. Here are some of the administration’s answers to frequently asked questions about COVID-19: 

Q: How can I guarantee that I will not get infected?

A: The only way to truly ensure that you will not test positive for COVID-19 this academic year is to buy a Stanford-issued social distancing hula hoop. They have wires that attach to your belt loops and provide a six-foot radius that will guarantee satisfactory distance from other people’s respiratory droplets. You can order them for $190.69 online by using your student ID at this link. 

Q: What should I do if I test positive?

A: If you test positive for SARS-CoV-2, immediately quarantine inside of your room. Drink eight bottles of Franzia wine over a 48-hour period to alleviate your symptoms and then pray to all of the Greek gods and goddesses to get rid of the viral infection.

Q: Where can I drop off my COVID tests on campus?

A: There are several convenient locations around Stanford for students to drop off their activated SARS-CoV-2 testing kits. A few of them include MTL’s office, the third hole of the golf course and the tip of Hoover Tower.

Q: If I’m quarantined due to infection, how will I get caught up on my classes?

A: You won’t. Cry about it.

Q: How many times do I need to swab each orifice?

A: As a general rule of thumb, we recommend that you first swirl the Q-tip 20-30 times around the anus. Then, using the same swab, swirl 6-8 times on each of your other orifices (mouth, nostrils, etc.) once before dropping off your sample.

For students who still have concerns about COVID protocols on campus, feel free to attend the social distancing Q&A panel at the Quad on the next full moon.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

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Lorenzo Del Rosario ’24 is the supreme dictator of the podcasts section. When he isn’t too busy taking long naps or religiously listening to Kendrick Lamar, he also writes for humor and the equity project. Hailing from the superior northern territory of Alaska, he plans on majoring in bioengineering and minoring in chemistry. Contact him at ldelrosario 'at' stanforddaily.com.