The Pandora Papers have revealed troubling information about world leaders. However, in their rush to cover the political elite, most news outlets have overlooked some of the smaller players. Always at the forefront of journalism, The Occasionally has meticulously combed through the 2.94 terabytes of leaked documents to uncover the following scandals:
Baby Yoda
This alien creature was able to evade detection through filing paperwork under the mysterious alias ‘Grogu,’ which is apparently his actual name. Although Baby Yoda may look cute, young and innocent, he is 50 years of age. In his time on this galaxy, he has filed for bankruptcy three times, and he is under investigation by the IRS (Interplanetary Revenue Service) for dodging over 20 million USD in taxes.
Peter Parker
Unwittingly having eaten spiders in his sleep, Spiderman was charged for five counts of cannibalism. However, to save its extremely successful media franchise, Sony suspiciously transferred significant sums of money to various public officials, and Spidey was set free the next day. That’s showbiz for ya!
The Stanford Cardinal
You may have thought that Stanford’s team name ‘Cardinal’ referred to the color red, but you’d be dead wrong. There is a Stanford Cardinal, and it’s not a bird. Leaked documents reveal that Stanford has been secretly paying off a select member of the Catholic Church to ensure they do not return to campus to preside over what is rightfully theirs.
Big Bird
This large lovable creature has been abusing growth hormones since childhood. This should have been obvious to most as his 8’2” stature dwarfs your everyday 4-inch canary. However, the physical advantage garnered from this abuse has proven profitable, as the Sesame Street Veteran recently signed a $120 million Supermax contract with PBS conditional on his use of supplements to maintain his huge build.
Dwayne Johnson
‘The Rock’ was exposed for anonymously donating millions to animal shelters in southeast Asia. Like, we get it man… don’t you have enough fans already? Give it a break.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.