Humor by Seamus Allen
Despite the recent structural collapse of the U.S. Capitol, Congress is back in session. After searching through the rubble early this morning, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer managed to locate his gavel and call the Senate to order.
All 50 Republican senators declined to assist in sorting through the ruins, saying in a statement that “Democrats want to build a partisan future without our input, so Democrats will not get bipartisan facilitators for their purely partisan gavel search.”
The move is not unsurprising, as infighting both among and between parties has been higher than ever since the collapse. Structural engineers warned Congress of the dangerous situation weeks prior, but since Senator Kyrsten Sinema refused to allocate any more than 15 dollars to the repair effort, no congressional action was taken.
That inaction seems likely to continue for the foreseeable future, as Congress has not yet even agreed on a plan to rebuild the Capitol. Instead, makeshift tents have been set up using a few thousand dollars that Senator Joe Manchin had on hand, which he explained was “slipped to me by an ExxonMobil executive just before I got here.”
President Joe Biden, for his part, has remained hopeful, saying on the White House lawn this morning, “You know, I think the American people, they knew when I laid out my agenda that it was just really out there to get the progressives on my side. We won’t … we won’t be doing any of that. What this nation really needs are watered-down half-measures, and that’s what we’re going to get.”
At press time, Congress had just taken a brief recess so that Senator Manchin could run to the store. He explained he was buying a dictionary so he could look up the word “compromise,” remarking that “since I’ve been using it so much, I figure I should eventually figure out what it means.”
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.