Five essential steps for any Stanford relationship

Humor by Michelle Fu
Nov. 4, 2021, 10:55 p.m.

So, you’ve caught feels for the person you saw once at CoHo. You’re simping for your next-door neighbor. Perhaps you’re even down astronomically bad for that special someone sitting in your 9:30 a.m. section. Without further ado, here’s a crash course on the five essential steps for a relationship at Stanford. 

  1. Catching a meal sometime (part one)

Once you’ve worked up the courage to make contact with your crush du jour, you’ll inevitably drop some version of this phrase: “Hey, want to meet up for lunch?” They’ll say yes, and you’ll nod coolly while internally screaming your head off. But maybe temper your excitement, because between Calendly confusions, your inability to communicate and general flakiness, you’ll never actually meet (yet). 

  1. Catching a meal sometime (part two)

This is that magical stage when it happens: the stars align, and you get your date. It’s probably dry chicken from Arrillaga or overpriced TAP, but you couldn’t care less. Make sure to chew with your mouth closed!

  1. LinkedIn festivities

When is the right time to endorse your boo’s skills on LinkedIn? That’s a complicated topic that could be the topic of many dissertations; I’m not here to give advice on that. Regardless, you’ll be viewing their profile, zooming in on their profile pic and dropping a light bulb reac on all their humble-braggy posts. 

  1. Sharing calendars

Y’all are going steady at this point — good for you! It’s time to merge your Outlook calendars as a symbolic representation of your love (and also for, you know, scheduling purposes — your “successfully met up for lunch” rate is still 50%).

  1. Dropping out of school together to found a startup that gets media hype and billionaire funding, but is eventually revealed to be a large-scale money laundering scheme and lands you both in prison for the rest of your lives 

Ah, the capstone of any relationship. This is when you truly know that you’ve found the one. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Michelle Fu ’24 was the Graphics Managing Editor for Vol. 262-264. Before graduating, she could be found grinding out p-sets, shredding on the violin, and taking stealthy photos of fluffy dogs.

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