Humor

‘Enchanted Forest’ frosh formal renamed ‘Enchanted Commercial Agriculture Zone’

Humor by Cassidy Dalva
Nov. 15, 2021, 11:10 p.m.

This past week, the Stanford Class of 2025 prepared to partake in a beloved campus tradition: the annual Frosh Formal. While the Frosh Council initially planned the formal’s theme to be “Enchanted Forest,” special interest groups in the agricultural industry offered to hedge the financial cost of the formal in exchange for representatives’ promise to re-theme the formal as “Enchanted Commercial Agriculture Zone.”

The unlikely partnership emerged several weeks ago, as representatives of Frosh Council were scrambling to raise enough money to cover the hefty costs of catering and decor. Fake shrubs and evergreen decorations, essential for any forest-themed event, were particularly expensive. Frosh Council representatives began emailing alumni, asking for donations or financial support.

By a stroke of luck, Gretchen Woods ‘83, the public relations coordinator for Global Farming Industries, co., responded with an offer. Global Farming would donate $4,000 to Stanford’s Frosh Formal planning efforts, with only one string attached — that the event’s theme “reflected Global Farming Industries’ values and mission for change in the 21st century.”

“This partnership is helping to dismantle harmful anti-agricultural stigma by aestheticizing productivity and industry as a force for change,” explained Woods, who personally recommended swapping the formal’s tree-lined entry for an upscaled cattle headgate. “Everyone thinks forests are dreamy, but until you stand in the middle of acres of soybeans and picture the two or three beautiful cattle that they will feed, you don’t know what you’re missing.”

Students across campus, including Frosh Council representatives, have expressed their views on the formal’s new theme.

“Forests are just so 2008,” pointed out Frosh Council representative Ellen Wright ’25, who has spearheaded the organization and planning of the formal. “With the disappearance of millions of hectares of forest per year, dancing under stars and utility tractor attachments is just a more hip and fresh take.”

“There’s also the added bonus of donated decorations,” added fellow representative Danny Luong ’25, while securing leftover fertilizer sprayers in a bouquet-like arrangement on a nearby table. 

Environmental activist groups on campus have released statements criticizing Frosh Council’s partnership with Global Farming, calling it a “dangerous precedent” which “romanticizes environmental degradation and deforestation” catalyzed by cattle farming and agriculture in the world’s rapidly shrinking forests. Nevertheless, representatives of Frosh Council insist that the move was the only cost-effective option at their disposal. “The only danger here is dangerously lit moo [sic],” said Wright.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Cassidy Dalva '25 is a beat reporter in the News section covering faculty affairs and a staff writer for the Humor section. A prospective economics major from Los Angeles, California, Cassidy enjoys singing and spending time outdoors in her free time. Contact her at [email protected]

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