Humor by Michelle Fu
Nov. 19, 2021, 4:37 p.m.

Big Game approaches, and that means that there’s only one thing on the mind: BUCK. FERKLEE.

Look at these losers, coming from their shitty-ass campus all the way in Boston (seriously, it’s like three ugly buildings held together by a methhead-frequented Dunkin’ Donuts). Who do they think they are? What makes them think that they’re even worthy of taking on Stanford? I don’t care about them in the slightest, so I looked them up in order to write this article. Um… are we sure that these guys even HAVE a football team? 

And if they do have a football team, it would be made up almost entirely of music majors. MUSIC MAJORS. These bitches are gonna be on the field saying shit like “oh no, I can’t catch the ball because I need my fingers to play Rach 3!” or “wait, I need to take a timeout for my daily hour of Dorian, Aeolian and Mixolydian scales!” 

I will admit that their band is … actually very good, but that’s beside the point. Did you know that their mascot is *gag* “Mingus the Jazz Cat?!” Eugch. What’s with their obsession with jazz? “Improvisation” my ass. Couldn’t you just, like, play the right notes?

Here’s a few other miscellaneous ways in which we’re superior: 

  1. There’s an entire Wikipedia page for our notable alumni. They have who? Charlie Puth and John Mayer? Lame. 
  2. Their school colors are red and gray, in an obvious attempt to rip off cardinal and white. They didn’t even choose a shade of red! 
  3. Our seal and motto? Infinitely better. What the hell does “to be, rather than to seem” even mean?

Anyway, all of this is just to say: BERKLEE SUCKS. GO STANFORD!!!!!

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Michelle Fu ’24 is the Graphics Managing Editor for Vol. 264. She can be found grinding out p-sets, shredding on the violin, and taking stealthy photos of fluffy dogs.

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