Stanford Divorce Pact results announced

Humor by Seamus Allen
Dec. 2, 2021, 11:40 p.m.

Being in a relationship, so the saying goes, is like a 5-unit course at Stanford. For those already bogged down with 21 units, three clubs, two startups and groundbreaking medical research, adding a relationship can simply be too much to bear.

That’s why the creators of the Stanford Marriage Pact have announced their newest offering, the Stanford Divorce Pact. “We all want to say we’ve been in relationships, gossip about our exes and look back on our love stories, but in this modern age, nobody really has time to fall in love anymore,” explained Hannah Torat, the project’s founder.

In her interview with The Daily, Hannah explained just how much effort has to go into having a relationship. First, she says, you’ve got the nervous first dates, which eat up mental bandwidth worrying about how you look, what they thought of you, and so on. That’s a lot of lost study hours. Then, if you’re lucky, sparks start to fly and you enter that golden period where you click and the time just flies by. You might even get so caught up in the romance you stop pulling all-nighters every night in the lab!

Of course, things will mellow out eventually as the initial passion gives way to a deeper emotional bond, and this can be even more dangerous, as you run the risk of realizing there is more to life than success and what you really want is happiness and human connection. That would be a disaster.

Now, most things don’t last forever, so the fighting will eventually begin. Only after months to years, if you don’t manage to overcome your differences with your partner, will you finally have the hated ex you’ve been looking for this whole time. 

Luckily, the Stanford Divorce Pact offers a better way. It matches you up with the least compatible person on campus, so you can skip right to the bitter fighting and resentment. In fact, the Divorce Pact guarantees you won’t be able to stand your new partner for more than two weeks, so you can get to stalking them on Instagram and putting on the Adele tunes right away.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Seamus at humor 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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