Humor

Man receives pig heart in transplant, origin story of newest Marvel supervillain

Humor by Om Jahagirdar
Jan. 13, 2022, 9:52 p.m.

Leading up to Marvel’s Phase 5 movies, a man has received a heart transplant from a pig in a world first.

The pig was genetically modified to remove certain biomarkers that would cause the patient to reject the organ. Researchers additionally assured the medical community there wasn’t a disillusioned scheming mad scientist that made further modifications to the genome that would turn the transplantee into a despicable monster. “I’d give it a 35% chance tops,” guaranteed lead investigator He Jiankui.

Just as Electro gained the ability to generate electricity after falling into a vat of electric eels and Sandman turned into sentient shape-shifting sand after falling into a particle accelerator, our man apparently received his heart transplant after tripping and falling onto a stray operating table.

“Although we initially considered that he might have been chosen off of the transplant waitlist,” said Marvel creative director Kevin Feige, “we thought that might be too fantastical for the Marvel universe.”

Although the long term impacts of this procedure are largely unknown due to its novelty, side effects observed so far include saying “oink” at the end of every sentence, keeping an incredibly untidy bedroom, an enhanced ability to find underground truffles, befriending spiders, irritating birds and taking three tries to build a structurally sound house.

However, physicians are saying it’s too early to call the procedure a success. “We must wait to see whether his body will reject the transplant, whether he will have a good quality of life and whether the heart will slowly transform his body into that of a pig’s, making him resent all of humankind out of jealousy!” cackled Dr. Evil, a scientist involved in the project.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Om Jahagirdar is the Humor Managing Editor and All-Time Humblest Writer at The Daily. Contact him omjahagirdar 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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