We all know the feeling of waiting for the next COVID email. The gut-wrenching anticipation. The knowledge that your mental well-being, physical health and academic success are all on the line, and that your fate is just one digital message away. It’s unbearable. 

Well, never fear! Now, thanks to the Stanford Occasionally’s new “Build Your Own COVID Update” chart, you can easily avoid your online classes by stressing about the impacts the ongoing pandemic is having on your education instead! You have $100.

$15 — “In these unprecedented times.” I mean, this one has basically been a given in any communication from any authority figure since March of 2020. At what point do the times become precedented, guys? Feels like that should have happened by now.

$10 — “We will continue to monitor the situation.” Wait, were we considering stopping monitoring the situation? Just taking all hands off the wheel and seeing where omicron takes us? Who floated that idea? Was it you, Russ Furr? What an absolute legend.

$30 — “Thank you to everyone in our community.” Awwww, thanks! We appreciate you too.

$40 — “Thank you in advance for your cooperation.” What do you think I’m going to do? Show up to an empty classroom in defiance? No, I’ll roll out of bed half asleep 2 minutes after my Zoom class starts like everyone else, thank you very much.

$80 — “Oh god is this really still happening? It’s been years now. Years. And I still feel like I’m living in 2020. We all thought the vaccines would end this, but we’re still in it. Is this hell? Are we being punished? What god would abandon us to this fate? I… I can’t take it anymore. I can’t take it!” At this point in the pandemic, breakdowns are basically inevitable for us all. The real question is just how many emails it will take before the administration succumbs as well.

$200 — “Everything is back to normal.” After two years of thinking the pandemic will end in two weeks, we should all probably have caught on by now to the fact that it won’t. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.