Student distraught to discover that her Zoom crush is actually 5’4

Humor by Michelle Fu
Jan. 27, 2022, 11:38 p.m.

Emily Johnson ‘25 was counting down the days until she could first meet her Zoom crush, Maximilianus Helvetica ‘25, in person. 

“He never turned his camera on, but his profile picture was just so hot,” Johnson said, holding up a screenshotted image of a man wearing sunglasses in the French Riviera. “Whenever he would type in the chat I would fall in love just a little bit more.”

However, Johnson described feeling “shock and betrayal” once she actually walked into her PWR 1 class on Monday afternoon. 

“Maximilianus was actually 5’4,” Johnson said as she began to wipe away tears. “My heart sank.”

When pressed for further information, the 5’2’’ Johnson said that “it just hurt that he wasn’t actually 6’6” as I’d imagined in my head.”

Meanwhile, it seemed like fellow students had different concerns.

“Yeah, I’m like, 97% sure that ‘Maximilianus’ is actually 10 intelligent squirrels in a trenchcoat,” Maddie Wang ‘25 said. “Although he does make some compelling points in his RA, so, go him.”

Helvetica did not respond to The Occasionally’s request for comment. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Michelle Fu ’24 was the Graphics Managing Editor for Vol. 262-264. Before graduating, she could be found grinding out p-sets, shredding on the violin, and taking stealthy photos of fluffy dogs.

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