In historic merger, Amazon acquires entire rest of stock market

Humor by Seamus Allen
Feb. 2, 2022, 10:44 p.m.

Investors rejoiced yesterday at the announcement that the retail giant Amazon was planning to acquire every other publicly traded American company. In a press statement about the merger, Amazon wrote, “This move is driven by the same philosophy that has driven us this far — consumer obsession. No matter what you need, you’ll be able to get it all in one place.”

Along with the statement, Amazon also released a new business plan for investors, detailing how it plans to move forward. We have summarized a few of the main points here:

  • Within a year, Amazon plans to fully transition from the U.S. dollar to company scrip. This new currency will be backed by the full faith and security of the Amazon business empire, and can only be spent at Amazon and its subsidiaries. Consumers can earn scrip by working for Amazon. 
  • Prime Membership costs will be increased to $2,000 per year. If you can’t afford Prime, you won’t be allowed to purchase any goods or services.
  • Since Amazon will acquire the entire financial sector, they will now manage all bank accounts, debts and transactions. As such, they’ll conveniently deduct your Prime membership fee from your wages each month. If you fall behind on payments, you can easily repay them by working 12-hour shifts at a regional Amazon Fulfillment Center.
  • Finally, Amazon’s roadmap shows that it plans to acquire the remainder of the U.S. government by 2026. At that point, it will begin offering additional subscription services to former government programs: protection by the police will cost $1500 per year, and all roads will become toll roads, with costs assessed using GPS data reported by your car. Premium lanes on highways, expedited ambulance response times and equal protection under the law, among other benefits, will be reserved for Prime Platinum members (cost not yet announced).

While some policymakers have expressed opposition to the move, the Federal Trade Commission’s Chair, Lina M. Khan, is in full support. She explained to The Daily why she approved the move from the deck of her new Amazon-branded yacht. “We evaluate mergers based on how they’ll affect consumer prices. Amazon has assured me that this merger will decrease prices and increase consumer convenience,” she said. She paused for a moment and laughed heartily, gesturing to the logo on the side of her boat. “I mean, you can’t beat two-day prime delivery on a complimentary yacht!”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Contact Seamus at humor 'at' stanforddaily.com.

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