Effective next Wednesday, the audio streaming platform Spotify will be the exclusive streaming platform of American podcaster Joseph James Rogan, better known as Joe Rogan. The move comes after over 500,000 artists left the platform to protest Rogan’s misinformation about COVID-19 and use of racial slurs.

In the past several weeks, artists including Neil Young, Joni Mitchell, and folk-rock group Crosby, Stills & Nash have requested that Spotify remove their music from its platform in protest against Rogan’s “spreading lies” about vaccine safety. Although Spotify has taken down a portion of Rogan’s episodes and content, he still maintains a presence and voice on the audio streaming platform and is now Spotify’s sole profitable content creator.

“We had two options: cave to the masses or preserve the Joe Rogan Experience,” explained Spotify spokesperson Bjorn Travis, sporting a Dave Chappelle x Joe Rogan – Las Vegas tee. “Spotify’s stance is that listening to Elon Musk smoke weed and wield a flamethrower is worth far more than any revenue hundreds of thousands of artists could bring in.”

As Spotify shifts gears to focus solely on distributing Rogan’s content, Rogan has also decided to capitalize on the opportunity to branch out into the music industry. In a recent podcast episode, he announced that he will be filling the niche left by Young, Mitchell, and more by producing hyper-motivational folk music. Listed tracks include “Teach your Children (Jiu-Jitsu)” and “Heart of Spirulina.” 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.