In light of the rampant increase of romantic gestures leading up to Valentine’s day, National Rifle Association (NRA) CEO Wayne LaPierre held a press conference and reiterated the controversial position that “the only thing that stops a bad Cupid with a bow is a good Cupid with a bow.” Although there is only one Cupid, the slogan has been a rallying cry for those against implementing bow control measures.

The NRA argues that Cupid’s bowhunting is important for controlling population sizes and encouraging endangered species to breed. However, citing 2 million marriages annually, critics argue that Cupid’s arrows hit humans at an alarming rate.

“Hunting is hardly a safe activity for Cupid with his complete lack of safety equipment and stubborn devotion to solely wearing a diaper, to say nothing about the consequences of his victims,” said a protester at the press conference in an interview.

The” NRA claims to represent the interest of all Americans,” explained another protester, “but the NRA’s richest vocal supporters include the executives and owners of 1-800-Flowers delivery, Nestlé chocolates and Durex condoms.”

“There is an increasing incidence of crushes and teen romance, but the correct response is to put an armed Cupid in every school,” rallied an impassioned LaPierre. “I’ll give you my love when you pry it from my cold, dead hands.”

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.