Axess preemptively crashes before spring registration

Humor by Cassidy Dalva
Feb. 27, 2022, 10:41 p.m.

Axess, Stanford’s platform for accessing and recording students’ academic information, has crashed as of 9:00 p.m. on Sunday. The crash comes just two days before registration for spring quarter courses is set to open.

University IT Staff is blaming the inconvenience on the unexpectedly large load of students attempting to use the platform’s SimpleEnroll feature to plan their enrollment in coveted introductory courses. After combing through records of students’ activity on the platform, University IT formed a list of the most-added courses that may have prompted an early flood of the planning feature, including ARTHIST 187: “The Art of Cycling” and COMM 32: “Seminar in Flake Culture.”

“I was in the middle of toying with my schedule on SimpleEnroll when I encountered difficulties adding the rest of my classes,” said Julien Kang ’22. “I’m a bit worried right now because I can’t graduate without CS 121: ‘Advanced Design and Analysis of Mailing Lists.’”

Some students are planning to station themselves by their computers from 6:00 a.m. to midnight in hopes of accessing the platform in time for registration.

“If you continuously refresh the Axess page over the course of those 18 hours, without taking any breaks, you’re definitely going to get into the classes you want,” said Paulina Jones ’25. “Students who aren’t ready to commit to that kind of dedication just don’t deserve a spot in Social Dance.”

University IT remains hopeful that Axess will be available in its full glory for students at the time of registration.

“We anticipate that Axess will return to its normal functionality before Tuesday,” said IT representative Stephanie Smith in a comment to The Daily. “Our top priority is facilitating the seamless acquisition and transmission of important information pertaining to students’ academics.” 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Cassidy Dalva '25 is a desk editor for the University Desk in the News section. She also serves as The Daily's Staff Development Director. A prospective economics major from Los Angeles, California, Cassidy enjoys singing and spending time outdoors in her free time. Contact her at [email protected]

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