Humor

University slashes Cardinal Nights funding after rowdy Bingo All-Campus

Humor by Cassidy Dalva
March 1, 2022, 8:56 p.m.

In an email sent to students across campus, the University has announced cuts in funding for Cardinal Nights, which organizes substance-free programming for students on campus. The announcement comes just days after the organization hosted a Bingo All-Campus plagued by unruly student conduct.

The “Winter Bingo” event, which took place at the Roble Gym, featured more than 200 student attendees, including at least 80 frosh. Sarah Chan ’23, a student involved in Cardinal Nights programming, served as the game host, reading numbers and manning the mechanical ball blower. The winner of the event, which was open to students of all ages and class years, was promised a chance to eat dinner with University President Marc Tessier-Lavigne.

“We felt that this prize would serve as an exciting and motivating reward to get students excited about substance-free events,” said Chan. “We never anticipated just how invested people were in winning.”

At first, the event seemed to go just as planned, with students seated at tables around the gym, hunched over their Bingo sheets and armed with pencils to capture each number that was announced. However, as more and more numbers were read, students’ excitement grew, and the possibility of winning the event crystallized.

The energy of the crowd reached a peak once four students simultaneously jumped out of their seats and shouted, “Bingo!” As Chan attempted to discern who had shouted the term first, the potential winners began to scream back and forth at one another, and the rest of the room joined in. Within minutes, students had knocked over tables and chairs, engaging in a brawl.

“One minute was just sitting at tables with our friends, hoping that a 43 would be announced so I could get bingo,” said one attendee, who opted to remain anonymous due to fear of repercussions. “I never imagined that I would be punching some guy at the next table over in the heat of the moment.”

The room was left in shambles, with paper bingo cards strewn about the floor and broken pencils jammed between tables. At least 15 students have filed complaints against the Office of Substance Use Programs Education & Resources, the office that Cardinal Nights is affiliated with, after being bruised by airborne numbered ping pong balls.

In an email sent out two days later, the University condemned the crowd’s behavior as “unacceptable” and noted that the brawl “runs counter to our community’s guiding principles.” The University promised “swift action” and announced that Cardinal Nights’ budget would be slashed by 40% in response to the outcome of the Bingo event. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Cassidy Dalva '25 is a beat reporter in the News section covering faculty affairs and a staff writer for the Humor section. A prospective economics major from Los Angeles, California, Cassidy enjoys singing and spending time outdoors in her free time. Contact her at [email protected]

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