Humor

After take-out box discontinuation, students turn to covert military technology

Humor by Cassidy Dalva
May 2, 2022, 9:54 p.m.

This April, Stanford Residential & Dining Enterprises (R&DE) announced the discontinuation of disposable take-out boxes, which have been offered in every dining hall on campus throughout the COVID-19 pandemic. Frustrated by this new policy, students across campus have turned to a new means of smuggling out their meals: camouflage take-out boxes.

“We are embracing state-of-the-art, military-grade techniques to facilitate the clandestine transport of rice pilafs,” explained Grace Copper ’22, while painting a to-go box in a green and brown camouflage pattern. “Nobody can see these boxes as we enter or as we leave, and our operations have been both swift and successful thus far.”

“I have one class from 10 to noon and another class from 12:15 to 3:15,” said one frosh, who asked to remain anonymous due to fear of retaliation. “I care about sustainability, but I also care about the Arrillaga specials, and that’s why I’m making this difficult choice.”

According to R&DE, daily food inventories have revealed an apparent increase in student consumption of food, but representatives could not comment as to whether this phenomenon is due to students’ smuggling food out of the dining halls or to an increasing affinity amongst the student body for Rock Cod.

“We strongly encourage students to promote sustainable dining on campus,” read a statement released by R&DE. “We stand by the policy of retiring to-go boxes in order to achieve this goal and will crack down on any vigilante diners on our premises.”

Neither R&DE nor student smugglers appear to be backing down. Although Copper refused to share the details of their exact blueprints and plans, she concluded that they will be “exploring” the implementation of pixelated “invisible cloak” technology in future operations.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Cassidy Dalva '25 is a beat reporter in the News section covering faculty affairs and a staff writer for the Humor section. A prospective economics major from Los Angeles, California, Cassidy enjoys singing and spending time outdoors in her free time. Contact her at [email protected]

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