Humor

Stanford psych study reports most students “prefer not to answer”

Humor by Cassidy Dalva
May 12, 2022, 10:05 p.m.

The Stanford psychology department has historically been at the forefront of the social sciences, and this year has been no different. In an award-winning revolutionary study published earlier this month, psychologists found that most students between the ages of 18 and 22 “prefer not to answer.”

Out of over 2000 randomly sampled student respondents, a whopping 82% preferred not to answer. The remaining 18% failed to complete the survey within the required timeframe.

“We were amazed by the turnout we received for this study,” explained lead researcher Dr. Timothy Smith, who began working on the study nearly five years ago at a lab on campus. “Such an overwhelmingly large percentage of non-respondents indicates the strength of the study and suggests its generalizability to the broader student population.”

Students who took part in the ground-breaking study have come forward to share their positive experiences participating in the survey.

“An Amazon gift card for pressing a few buttons in the span of less than a minute? Amazing,” said one sophomore. “I am glad to contribute to knowledge in the field of psychology any way I can… as long as it can count toward a new coffee machine for my room.”

“The applications of this study are quite possibly limitless,” added undergraduate research assistant Julia Poe. “Even if it’s hard to gauge interest in this subfield of psychology.”

​​Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Cassidy Dalva '25 is a beat reporter in the News section covering faculty affairs and a staff writer for the Humor section. A prospective economics major from Los Angeles, California, Cassidy enjoys singing and spending time outdoors in her free time. Contact her at [email protected]

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