“Don’t worry, I’ll be home early today honey!” exclaimed the low-density asteroid Dimorphos. His wife was understandably upset with him. He had been coming back home from work at 10 p.m. for the last week, exhausted after orbiting his twin asteroid, Didymos, on long 12-hour shifts, leaving his wife to feed, clean and entertain their newborn child all alone.

But today was different. Rather than taking his normal route, Dimorphos would be cutting his commute time in half by taking a shortcut near planet i35u23905, known as Earth to the local inhabitants.

“Bzzzz. Bzzzz.” A small, shiny, winged pest hovered uncomfortably close to the hurtling asteroid. “Bzzzzzz. Bzzzzzzzzz.” Dimorphos flailed, trying to swat away the pesky satellite. By the time he noticed he had been put off trajectory, he had already traveled 20 light minutes in the wrong direction.

“I’m so sorry I’m late! A Terran satellite distracted me and I went to the wrong place!”

“The Terrans aren’t even a level 2 civilization, you expect me to believe that they targeted you with a satellite? They’ve never done that before! If you wanted me to believe you, maybe you should have tried blaming the Reptilians. I’m going to need you to stay after hours today to make up what you missed.”

Dimorphous came back home from work at 10 p.m. His wife was understandably upset with him. He wouldn’t be getting any of that sweet asteroid tonight.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.