For many-a STEM upperclassman, fall quarter means recruiting season is upon us. As competition stiffens, the American Psychology Association has released the following guidelines to help students recognize the symptoms and causes of the five distinct stages of the process.

Denial – As we stride into November, you may find it hard to accept that the applications for this summer’s internships actually closed in May 2019.

Anger – your mother has informed you that your 16-year-old college-frosh cousin from New Jersey has received offers from Apple, Bain and Morgan Stanley, all of which she will be working at concurrently come June.

Bargaining – you have so far received a (stellar) 1.3% initial response rate from the companies you have applied to (it’s really not that bad) (we’re in a recession).

Depression – you have destroyed three keyboards via water damage as tears stream down your face while completing your 198th, 199th and 200th coding assessments. 

Acceptance – a devious smile comes to your face as you read your single acceptance letter: 80 hours per week at a local startup working to disrupt the pool noodle industry. The compensation is the friends you make along the way. It’s not much but it’s something. You didn’t really want to be a sellout anyway, right?

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.