Following U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken’s visit to campus earlier this month, 100% of students contacted by the Occasionally via street interviews cited Blinken as an integral part of their lives on both the day of his visit and every day since. In what can only be interpreted as campus-wide support, I decided to investigate further by asking students why they love Blinken.

The Stanford Occasionally: So, what do you think about Blinken?

Student: Blinking? Um, I don’t think blinking is anything special. Blinking is, like, important to make sure your eyes don’t get dry.

SO: Oh. Okay, so, does that mean you support Blinken?

S: I mean, never blinking seems like a ridiculous approach to life. I believe everybody should strive to be, like, blinking.

SO: Wow! What is it about Blinken that draws out all this praise?

S: Well, blinking is definitely easy on the eyes. 

SO: I mean, I guess one could say that. But don’t policy decisions have an impact on your thinking?

S: I mean, if someone tried to take away my blinking through, I don’t know, a law or something, I’d be mad. Without blinking, I’d probably die. 

SO: Wow… I had no idea Blinken inspired this kind of support… but I mean, what could you even do if someone “took away your Blinken?” 

S: For blinking? I mean that seems quite an unusual and arcane punishment. I guess I would do anything. Probably take up arms? Fight whoever did it? I don’t know. I would do anything, though. Anything to fight injustice.

SO: Anything?

S: I’m a pacifist at heart, but I would attack someone if they kept me from blinking. 

SO: Umm… Ok… Listen, man, I have to remind you this on the record.

S: Yeah, I mean. I’ll say it again. I would do anything for my right to blinking.

SO: C’mon, man, really? Look me in the eyes — look me in the eyes right now and tell me you would shoot someone for Secretary of State Antony Blinken. 

S: Ok, well, first of all, you don’t need to get all pretentious by using the full medical term for blinking. Second, yes, of course!

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.