Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

The Stanford Dance Troupe’s recent showcase was the brainchild of visionary choreographers and mad scientists, breaking the laws of traditional ballet and challenging the very fabric of reality. Or at least, that’s what I thought as I reviewed the show last weekend after a whiff of fresh sprouts plucked from the forest. Gone are the days of graceful arabesques and elegant pliés; instead, dancers catapult themselves into a parallel universe. In one universe, the ballet dancers are called ‘dallet bancers.’ In another universe, I’m Taylor Swift, and the dancers are just shaking it off like I told them to.

At the heart of this bewitching spectacle lies the “Gravity-Defying Grande Plié,” a move that sends the dancers soaring into the stratosphere with a flex of their pinky toes. Audience members (me) gasp in disbelief as ballerinas gracefully pirouette through alternate dimensions, the shimmering of their tutus seemingly displaying secrets of the cosmos. Take me with you, I call out. They answer in a language I can’t understand. “Globo Globo,” they say. I say “Globo Globo” back, but they make fun of my accent. 

The Stanford Dance Troupe spares no expense in pushing the boundaries of artistic expression. Picture this surreal scene: a prima ballerina. Riding a unicycle. And — oh, what’s that over there?  It’s a teacup on her nose, all set against a backdrop of neon-lit intergalactic landscapes. I’m foaming at the mouth.

Other critics in the audience labeled the dancers as sheer absurdity. I say: some people need to stop taking shrooms before college dance performances. Not me, though. I’ll never stop.