Author’s Note: List does not include “asking them out.” Don’t be crazy.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

We’ve all been there. Fall quarter arrives, and with it the promise of a fresh start. “New year, new me,” amirite ladies?

Picture this: It’s week one, you’re getting settled in when all of a sudden you see Him — the most beautiful man you’ve ever seen sitting two rows up in your three-unit, non-WAYS, non-core, 18-hours-a-week elective. In an instant, you’re a changed woman. You’ve found something bigger and more meaningful than “degree progress”: a reason, nay, the reason, for living through the next 10 weeks without waltzing in front of the Marguerite.

There’s only one problem. He has no idea who you are. 

Worry not! We at The Daily are committed to fostering a nurturing environment for all kinds of relationships — real or imagined. Here are our tips for skating through your delusional era with style, grace and aplomb.

1. Stalk his socials.

A classic and obvious first choice. Hell, you’re probably way ahead of us here. But, if not, and you’re thinking, “Why would I do that? Is that healthy?” I’m going to stop you right there and hit you with some science. FACT: The human brain accounts for 20% of the oxygen and energy consumed by the body. Daydreaming is hard work! You will need all the inspirational content you can get to fuel the insane storylines you build in your head. Don’t be afraid to get niche with your search. If the Big 3 (Insta, Facebook, TikTok) don’t turn up anything, head to the B team: we’re talking LinkedIn, Tumblr, Twitter, MySpace, hell his Threads account if you have to. And ladies, don’t forget to hydrate!

2. Make irreversible changes to your day-to-day commitments so that they revolve around him and his interests.

Say he invites you to a club meeting when you’re scheduled for a work shift. What do you do? Duh, you take an hour off — no one will even notice! Sure, you’re at the “greatest university in the world” to “maximize your intellectual potential/shareholder value,” but you need to think big picture. He’s sooooooo hot. Even if you do get fired, that’s just more time to dedicate to The Cause™. So, in a way, congratulations and you’re welcome??

3. Insist that you need his help for a class.

Manufacturing dependence as early as possible is crucial, especially if you’re more knowledgeable on the subject than him. This tactic is also known as the “Cady Heron” (named after the near-flawless execution of the maneuver in the 2004 hit documentary “Mean Girls”), and there is literally no way it can fail. In fact, it never has and never will. Dumb yourself down, girl! It’s the only way.

4. Spiral (emotionally).

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH—

5. Have a genuine Menty B™ when he finally mentions his girlfriend in passing conversation.

Tears will stream down your face, but, girlie, he won’t fix you. You’ll think: time, wasted; life, ruined. But remember, there’s always someone else out there waiting for you. And he may never know it! 

So there you have it — our bulletproof guide to living your best delulu life. Commit to these steps, and you, too, could run your mental health right into the ground! Alternatively, you could perform the ancient humiliation ritual known as just-ask-him-out-are-you-kidding-what-is-wrong-with-you, but you and I both know that’s never going to happen. Or will it…

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Yeah, no probably not.