Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
A Get-Out-the-Vote event went awry at Old Union this week, further deteriorating trust between the Stanford Federalists and Democratic-Republicans. For the past 250 years, the two groups have been locked in a bitter ideological stalemate as they each vie to shape the nature of American democracy.
Before the event descended into chaos, The Daily spoke to one campus Federalist in line for voter registration. “We’re really excited to build off of this momentum,” said Oliver Harper ‘26, who majors in Candle-Dipping and Coin-Minting. “You know, we’ve had some big victories in securing the rights of American guildsmen through tariffs and the National Bank, but it hasn’t been the same since the War of 1812. That really set us back, but we finally have some real momentum this election season! This election is going to be one to remember!”
When asked his thoughts on the Democratic-Republican Party, Harper told The Daily, “They don’t know how to govern themselves — let alone the United States of America. We all remember how bad things were in ‘24 [1824]. They stole the election with their Corrupt Bargain, and this time the Federalists aren’t going to let them get away with it. My great-great-great grandfather fought in the Revolution, and he didn’t risk his life just for us to be a nation of agrarian losers. I mean, what are we, French? They need to recognize that the Feudal Age is over. People work in cottage industries and artisan workshops, not in the field.”
The event took a sour turn when a Democratic-Republican student stood on a wooden apple crate wearing a shirt saying “HENRY CLAY WAS RIGHT; CHANGE MY MIND.” Several Federalists exiting TAP then surrounded him and threatened to “tar and feather his ass back to the Era of Good Feelings.”
“As ancient fixtures of our political system, the Federalists and the Democratic-Republicans are becoming increasingly militant in their attacks on each other. Their ideologies are more and more rigid by the day, and the conversation has turned from one of policy differences to one of moral superiority,” said Professor Angie Hecker, professor of American studies, after recovering from her disbelief at finally being interviewed by the press.
“There used to be a time where a Democratic-Republican could sit down for coffee with a Federalist. Sure, they’d disagree, but there would be no question that they’d find common ground. You know, things like the Monroe Doctrine, Westward Expansion, the Barbary Wars,” Hecker said. “These used to be big unifiers, but we can’t seem to put our differences on the issues aside anymore and see each other as fellow countrymen.”
As Federalist students rolled a steaming barrel of tar into Old Union and Stanford police arrived on the scene to observe, one could not help but think back to 1776 and the great struggle for freedom that brought us to this: the most consequential election of our lives.