Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
It’s week six and we’re all in need of a fresh face. What we were not expecting was the sudden appearance of a rift in space-time near the Arizona Garden which has allowed a Demon physically manifesting the essence of pure evil to live on campus. The rift went unnoticed until just this week when students preparing the Mausoleum for Halloween stumbled upon the 100-foot-long gash in the Earth which has seemingly bottomless unexplained properties, including being literally bottomless.
Just hours after the discovery of the rift, the connection to the Demon intruder was made by Youssef Mannyon ‘28. He initially reported the Imp for “freaky chanting at like 3 a.m.” several weeks ago, but RAs dismissed this as standard homesick frosh behavior. Mannyon is unavailable for further comment as he undergoes a week-long exorcism.
Amid the administrative uproar of yet another dorm squatter at Stanford, The Daily interviewed three party-goers to research our newest peer. According to their collective accounts, Beelzebub Asmodeus is a prospective Economics & Symbolic Systems double-major interested in making the world a worse place for all mortal people. He has extensive research in the field of Theology, which professors are calling “groundbreaking,” “completely horrifying” and “threatening to our democracy, values and way of life.”
After his housing forms were translated by Classics professors out of Mycenaean Greek, Daily staffers found Beelzebub to be a pretty chill guy in general. He rated his cleanliness 4 out of 5, his favorite genres of music are Metal, Glam Rock and Bluegrass, and his ideal room environment is “quiet during the week, but wild on Friday night.” He answered “No” when asked if he used substances, but clarified that he would prefer if his roommate did. Naturally, Beelzebub has expressed interest in a law degree down the road.
Many students have expressed shock at how little the presence of a demonic student has changed the campus culture. This has led some to believe that manipulation may not be necessary to have Satan’s will carried out at Stanford.
When asked how the portal to hell is affecting their daily life, Jonie Frasier ‘26 said, “Wait, where’s Arizona Gardens again? I feel like I might have walked through there one time but I can’t really remember where it is. If they aren’t canceling my psych midterm then my week is literally unchanged.”
The administrative response to the incident has been slow thus far and it is yet to be seen how the University will deal with a third instance of a student imposter in just two years. However, one thing is clear: the University’s steadfast commitment to administrative mediocrity is making for one kick-ass Halloweekend.