Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
Stanford’s Bechtel International Center announced this week that students from Canada and Greenland will no longer be considered international students. The timing of this decision follows indications that President Donald Trump will take actions to bring these nations under the control of the United States.
The Bechtel Center’s announcement states that “Students from the territories formerly known as Canada and Greenland will henceforth be treated as domestic students when considered for admission to Stanford, financial aid and apportionment of campus resources in accordance with the will of His Excellency, the President of the United States, Canada and Greenland, Donald Trump.”
Consequently, Dean Richard Shaw has directed the creation of a new admissions zone covering the added landmass which he has named North Montana (formerly Canada) and New New York (formerly Greenland).
“It is the responsibility of Stanford University to rise to the occasion when bold, new political ambitions are sought by those in power. Therefore, we have taken every step to ensure that the integration of new territories coincides with an increase in resources dedicated to researching the impact this political change will have on our North Montanan and New New Yorker students,” said Hoover Institution Director and former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice. “As the United States unites these territories in pursuit of freedom and liberty, I have the honor of welcoming Dr. Jordan Peterson, renowned psychologist and proud North Montanan, to join the Hoover Institution. The inclusion of diverse voices that can bring agreeable ideas to the new administration is vital to our mission.”
Dan Olivier ’26 is from Calgary, Alb., Canada. On the possibility of an American takeover, he said, “I don’t necessarily have anything against the folks down stateside, but I think Trump and his bunch’a hosers ought to stay on the straight and narrow. Now, we never did nothing to provoke you all and we just want to go about our days rink ratting around Cowtown, not fending off imperialist bullies. The Crown gives us plenty of trouble already.”
The general consensus seems to be that Stanford’s veer to the right is a direct response to this seismic shift in its Silicon Valley donors. To combat its acute institutional poverty, the University has teased a number of significant investments to court big donors. Among these projects, none compare to the half-mile Panama Mall Canal, which aims to promote free trade between East and West Campus. The destination of all of these changes remains uncertain as the elite institutions of Silicon Valley race to the right, but it’s sure to be a wild ride.