Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

With the advent of a new volume, incoming Editor-in-Chief Greta Reich announced that, after digging through a broom closet in The Daily House, she has come across an exceptionally long and sturdy pole which will be used in all further reporting on controversial issues and their impact on the Stanford community.

The Daily’s Editorial Board released the following statement regarding the discovery: “In order to maintain journalistic repute, the Editorial Board has decided to revisit our policies when reporting on controversial topics such as student protests and global conflicts. Thus, all Stanford Daily reporters will be required to utilize a 10-foot pole when reporting such events. This decision is not intended to reduce coverage of controversial events. Rather, it aims to ensure the safety of The Daily’s reporters and prevent incidents which breach the trust between our publication and the community.”

Internally, The Daily’s reporters questioned why such a policy was not implemented sooner. In response, The Daily’s executive editors explained that the discovery of the 10-foot pole was a breakthrough over the measly 5-foot long broomsticks they considered during previous volumes. The Daily’s management has touted the new pole for its range of uses. They suggested that the video section could even tape a microphone to the end of the pole when conducting “high-risk” interviews. The crossword section is also considering using the new tool as a muse for future clues (e.g. What’s long and sticky and critical to The Daily’s election coverage? Five letters).

Under the condition of anonymity, one Daily reporter indicated frustration as well as optimism for the new policies: “I understand that we have a reputation to uphold, but I feel that these methods are the wrong means to achieve that end. How am I supposed to build trust with my sources when I’m required to give them the proverbial and literal shaft every time we make contact? Still, it’s nice to know that we’re taking action to keep our reporters safe. I can’t imagine a better plan to avoid legal repercussions for our reporters when we run into, well, sticky situations, but there has to be something better than this.”

With the incoming Trump administration and the polarizing crisis in Gaza, it appears The Daily will have more than its fair share of controversial pieces in the coming months. The only remaining question is whether or not 10 feet will be sufficient distance to keep our reporters in action away from trouble.