Editor’s Note: This story is a piece of fiction, meaning that all characters and events are purely from the author’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Andrew Ho is an aspiring wantrepreneur. There are many things he wants — the new Tesla Cybertruck, a perfectly proportioned Sweetgreen bowl and, most importantly, a girlfriend. Ride along with Andrew as he tries to maintain his sanity through the ups and downs of being an early-stage founder surrounded by the absurdities of Silicon Valley. From the magic of B2B SaaS to finding founder-market-fit to starting from first principles, The Next Unicorn depicts the fanatical constant grind within the San Francisco startup community.
To read the previous installment of the series, click here.
That evening, Arnav was back in his apartment and found an online PDF of one of the books. On the first page were the words: “THIS book conveys the experience of more than 500 men of great wealth, who began at scratch, with nothing to give in return for riches except THOUGHTS, IDEAS and ORGANIZED PLANS. Here you have the entire philosophy of money making, just as it was organized from the actual achievements of the most successful men known to the American people during the past fifty years. It describes WHAT TO DO, also, HOW TO DO IT! It presents complete instructions on HOW TO SELL YOUR PERSONAL SERVICES.” Andrew paused at this spot and wondered what services a VC sold. Arnav was always going on about the “process,” the “experience” that VCs touted to founders. Andrew and Arnav had won pre-seed money from a startup competition half a year ago. The VC sponsoring the event promptly ghosted them when they inquired after seed funding — Andrew was pretty sure the firm shut down.
But Sunflower Ventures was unique —
“They consider founders holistically,” Arnav had whispered in Andrew’s ear when they had attended an AI Founders Happy Hour hosted by Sunflower. He pointed to a banner that said “Founders First.”
“Something like that can make or BREAK an early-stage startup. And as we’re at a crucial juncture looking to raise seed, we need to break into their minds.” Here Arnav pointed both fingers at his temples and stared unblinkingly at Andrew.
“You hear what I said — no, no stop drinking that lemonade shit,” Arnav swatted the cup from Andrew’s hand and replaced it with a Diet Coke. “Drink what VCs drink. Eat what VCs eat.” At this, Arnav grabbed a half-eaten tofu plant power bowl off the the table and shoved it in Andrew’s face.
“Breathe what VCs breathe — ”
“Weed?” Andrew was reminded of the weed-smoking homeless that littered the stretch of transit near the Sunflower office.
“No! Montblanc Explorer cologne,” Arnav breathed in deeply and exhaled.
“That’s our game plan.”
Andrew promptly closed the PDF as he had just gotten a ding from an angry customer who had somehow crashed the site. He thought little of reading books the rest of the night.
A week later Alyeesha approached Andrew again during a Midnight Runners meeting. When Andrew saw her approaching, he tried to duck behind the crowd, but she caught him. It was another night of more intense exercise than he planned.
“Hey! Hey — ” Alyeesha elbowed out of the way the guy Andrew had been trying to introduce himself to and solidly planted herself beside him.
“I need some help.”
Andrew wondered what he even had left to offer.
“Yeah, of course. Are you having trouble using Airtable again?” Her boss at Sunflower insisted that everyone on the team needed to switch from sheets to Airtable, and for Alyeesha, the technical stuff flew completely over her head.
“Oh — No. I just.” She seemed to be wondering as well if Andrew was the right person to ask. “You interact with them all the time and all…”
She seemed to be talking to herself.
“Yes,” Alyeesha looked him straight in the eyes, “Data Associate after my summer internship is over? Do you think Sunflower would me as a —”
She said this very fast and looked expectant for an answer.
“Of — of course!” Andrew stuttered.
Andrew thought about it for a moment.
“I mean you, you have so much to bring to the table, like… like your positive energy!”
Alyeesha ignored him. “I mean I was looking at the job description and I know some parts don’t directly apply to me, but it’s on the track for a real investor position! And I personally think I meet all of the ‘soft skill’ requirements for the job — ”
Andrew nodded along vigorously.
“Like under ‘Things you should be pumped for,’ it included networking, maintaining good relationships with leading industry experts, changemaking, being an industry thought leader and becoming a beacon of light for more experienced and first-time founders alike. I really think I fit those categories,” Alyeesha said.
Andrew felt that Alyeesha was already a type of beacon for some founders — like Arnav.
“And when they use adjectives — I fit them ALL! I’ve got a high EQ, I’m extremely independent in my thinking and I’m such a stra-te-gic thinker. What more do they want!?”
Andrew pondered this.
“Arnav told me I should go for it and that I’m a perfect fit,” Alyeesha suddenly said. “What do you think?”
Andrew was nursing another painful stitch in his side and thought he had sprained something a block earlier while dodging a feral toy poodle coming out of the grooming center. He managed to say: “Yeah! Totally!”
Then, on second thought added, “I mean, I think you draw in a lot of founders — ”
“I mean — ” Alyeesha interrupted.
“You’re right. Being a VC can’t be that hard. I just got to find the next unicorn.”