Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
A collision near the Palo Alto Caltrain station has left one woman dead after a southbound train experienced a critical failure on its journey to San Jose Diridon. The operator, Stuart Mill Ph.D. ‘14, was forced to make a quick decision as his train barreled toward five construction workers who were performing track maintenance. In a move that has divided the community, Mill chose to divert his train to the northbound track, killing Lauren Doe, who was standing over the yellow safety line. The operator has been charged with manslaughter by the Santa Clara County District Attorney.
“I did what I must to minimize pain and maximize satisfaction, though I took none in my final decision,” Mill said at his arraignment. “I hope the community can understand that my actions were not against the innocent woman whose life was lost, but was rather a necessary interjection into a situation which could have been multitudes more tragic. Five times more tragic to be exact.”
Outside the courtroom, a tense scene unfolded. Members of the Bay Area Deontology Club came to the Santa Clara County Courthouse in support of Mill’s detainment. The club’s founder, Natalie Kant, called Mill’s actions “morally uncentered” and “in opposition to universally understood moral laws.” Members of the Deontology Club erupted in chants of “Hey, ho, causing another’s death is a big no no!” angering counter protestors from the California Society of Utilitarians, holding signs reading “Five > One” and “Mill Saves Five.”
Jeremy Singer, president of the Society of Utilitarians, stood in front of the courthouse to deliver a speech in which he called Mill a “hero” who “did what was necessary to reduce suffering.” He also accused a bystander on the southbound platform of endangering innocent lives. The man, Singer argued, should have pushed the extremely fat man standing at the edge of the platform onto the tracks in order to prevent the deaths of the five people who would have been killed without Mill’s intervention.
“If Dr. Mill were not such a diligent and morally sound train operator, five innocent people would have died. By failing to proactively plan for the operator’s failure, the bystander left up to fate what could have been guaranteed, saving five lives at the cost of only two.”
Safety for California, a nonprofit that favors law and order causes across the state, interrupted the clash between the morality clubs. Demonstrators held signs criticizing the deceased Doe for crossing the yellow safety line, potentially in violation of California law, which criminalizes behavior that impedes the safe operation of railroads.
As jury selection in Mill’s trial begins, legal experts are drawing up hundreds of hypotheticals to suss out puritanical members of the Society of Utilitarians and the Deontology Club who may be unable to rule without bias.
Author’s Note: After becoming aware of a tragedy in the Palo Alto community, I apologize for any negative impact that this article has on affected viewers and hope to avoid such errors in the future. This article is based purely in fiction and does not aim to make light of any real-world events.