Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.
President Donald Trump signed an executive order Monday ordering that all federal buildings fly the U.S. flag and respective state flag at half-mast following the recent death of Pope Francis. University president Jonathan Levin ’94 announced later that he would respect the executive order on campus in hopes it would increase federal funding for the university.
“They have a couple billion to spare since they took it from Harvard. Why not give it a shot to take a few hundred million while we’re at it?” said Levin.
The death of Pope Francis has come with shock around the world as he passed following the major Catholic holiday of Easter.
Former Vice President JD Vance met with the late pope on Easter Sunday to exchange Easter greetings. Vance was one of the last world leaders to meet with the pope following his passing just hours later.
People around the world quickly pointed out the suspicious nature of the death after the two convened on Sunday.
“He was totally fine before the two met,” said an anonymous Stanford student, in fear of academic repercussions. “I can’t help but notice [Vance] might have killed him.”
Trump heard the criticism loud and clear: the growing concern of having a sitting VP as a murderer. Fears grew that it would impact his ever increasing approval ratings.
As apparent in the image above, Trump surprised guests at his speech with a familiar figure known dear to all of our hearts: the Easter Bunny. Later in Monday’s speech, Trump announced that the Bunny was not there in fact to celebrate Easter a day late, he was there to replace Vice President JD Vance.
“I think it’s a great way to show political unity in a time of great divide,” another Stanford student said.
“I did not know [E. Bunny] was a right-winger, but he makes some damn good eggs if I’m being real. I am just glad it’s not Gracie Abrams,” said Chris Vinasco-Gomez ‘28.
This comes after Trump’s tariff policies have greatly impacted the economy. This new pick may show a promising future for the Trump administration.