Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

When the work piles high and your time is low, that’s the moment when you’ve got to grit your teeth and really test the limits of the honor code. Right off the bat, MLA is out of the question. Parenthetical citations and a works cited page is for assignments that have hours before the due time, not minutes.

Now is a great time to learn a little fun fact about Canvas: Assignments are not, in fact, due at 11:59:59. They are marked late – or locked – at 11:59:01. If you came into this thinking you had those extra seconds, then please see my email template for desperate extensions. It’s in a bin next to my desk marked “Recycling.”

For those who remain, let’s cut right to the chase; Chicago Notes is your friend. I am 100% certain that no one reads footnotes. Riddle me this: Why would your TA spend more time on your paper for something as silly as footnotes? They’re graduate students, and you’re an undergrad: they’re literally above you, and they don’t want to give you any more time than they need to. So remember, you don’t need citations that are correct. They need to look correct. Carol Whatserface Ph.D. ‘31 has bigger fish to fry than a misplaced comma or an incorrect publishing city.

What page was that quote from? Hell, what book was that quote from? Let me introduce you to a little trick called The Tessier-Lavigne Method. Popularized by biotech CEO Marc Tessier-Lavigne, this shortcut involves very carefully and algorithmically falsifying data. In our case, it allows us to choose a random page from whatever chapter has a relevant title to your unsubstantiated statement. Effort? Practically none! Consequences? Unheard of. 

All this advice comes with one massive caveat. If you are unfortunate enough to be writing a journalistic piece, then no matter how much time is left you simply must follow AP style. Remember most importantly that formal titles must be capitalized when used as part of a person’s name – so I can call you kid, but I’m Sir to you buddy boy; in headlines, never abbreviate the names of states nor months, the names of newspapers and other publications are not italicized, and you must never use the Oxford comma.. 

But alas, it’s approaching midnight. The metaphorical sun is setting on your literal prospects of getting this paper in. Let’s be real. Even ChatGPT can’t save you from this one. But hey, there’s always next time. Unless you’re a STEM major! In that case, take pleasure that there will be no next time. For the less fortunate, try giving a whole lot less a whole lot earlier and you’ll find that those final 24 minutes are a breeze. After all, I told ya you should’ve started this last week.