The omnipotent Invisible Hand of the Market sent out a press release this week stating that it would be seeking out a second job to make ends meet in a slowing economy, which the Hand itself is responsible for.
“Though I have certainly not been impacted by a lack of work,” Hand said, “a drastic rise in prices for everyday items – which I caused due to basic economic forces – has left me with no choice. I must seek a second job to supplement my income. I know many like me are ashamed of their financial hardships, so I am choosing to be public about my struggle to give a voice to those who feel that the American Dream has failed them.”
The Stanford Daily spoke with Invisible Hand in an exclusive interview, initially intended to discuss its new book entitled “If I Did It: Confessions of an Economic Theory.” However, the conversation took a different turn in light of Dr. Hand’s recent career announcement.
Dr. Hand, who graduated with a Ph.D. in Economics from Oxford, said it was its “Highest honor to adjust global prices for millennia, whether people liked it or not” and that “nothing would change” on this front, but it will have to dedicate more time towards lucrative ventures in quantitative finance.
“Acting on man’s folly and hubris is my greatest joy,” Dr. Hand said as it reminisced on its life of service, “It’s hard to believe that I’ve been working for over ten thousand years. It feels like just yesterday I was punishing foolish merchants for uneven barters in Ur. Still, there’s plenty of work to be done with all this tariff nonsense. I break a sweat just thinking about the whoopings I’ll have to deal out to American consumers who maintain their current levels of consumption despite rapidly increasing prices due to arbitrary tariffs. But hey, now you’ll be able to find me at corporate in Citadel LLC.”
To close out its interview with The Stanford Daily, the Invisible Hand offered this advice for dignitaries and despots everywhere: “Stop messing with trade, man. We give Louis XIV a pass for trying mercantilism because no one else had ever done it before. I thought the beatdowns I dealt out after the Embargo Act and Smoot-Hawley would be enough. Hell, I’m still sore from The Great Depression. Yet, here we are.”
You can see more of the Invisible Hand of the Market’s work at your local grocery store, Walmart, or anywhere you shop.