Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.

Corral hundreds of freshmen (and a few spiraling PhD students) in an enclosed space with a permission structure to kiss anyone in sight and you get Full Moon on the Quad, Stanford’s analog answer to the nerd virginity epidemic. Whether you tongued your TA, pecked your PI or watched your roommate get back with their ex, the real comedy gold of FMOTQ is the quotes. My dear readers, I had my ears open for you.

“Pucker up buttercup!” – Visible Frosh ‘29, 11:31 pm

My sweet summer child, this is not asking for consent. Also, I think your pregame is starting to set in, because that’s a baobab tree, not your eyecontactship from CS106A.

“I’m only 21” – Senior ‘26, 11:47 pm

I know you feel like a child at heart, but that beard you thought would make you an “easy hire” at McKinsey is unsettling to the freshman who hasn’t kissed someone since she was Elphaba in Wicked as a high school sophomore.

“Great connecting with you! Shit! I mean, nice to meet you…” — Unfortunately Sober ‘29, 12:02 am

I know your colleagues/friends in BASES were *ahem* working late tonight, but let this be a lesson to you. The only real way to network is to be spit sisters with the CEO.

“Does this make me bisexual?” – Dea Nile ‘29, 11:42 pm

You invited her over to get ready together. You wore an outfit in her favorite color. You asked her what color wristband she was getting. That makes you bisexual.