It’s the most wonderful time of the year. Roxy loves September. It’s a chance to see, once again, how kids (read: freshmen) just keep getting younger…and foxier.

Yes, these freshmen are so young they were never taught cursive and have only heard Nirvana on classic rock stations. Still, they make juicy prey. And as any good hunter knows, the cardinal rule holds true here more than ever: location, location, location.

Like Roxy, remain respectful of the law (“Hello, officer”). Remember: drunk “consent” is never consent. Be aware that some frosh are still under 18.

Now, without further ado…

Wilbur Dining

Talk about a Sunday brunch. The sizzle of the egg white at the omelette station will mirror the sizzle when your eyes meet with that cutie from Colorado who’s still wearing his lanyard. Come to mama. Oh, and grab some bananas on the way.

Frat Parties

If it’s on Facebook, the frosh will be there in hordes, determined to “experience college.” Roxy enjoys this opportunity to show off her knowledge of the frat houses’ dark hallways. Extra points if you live in the fraternity: “Come on…my futon is lonely.”

Activities Fair

Start a new club – Roxy always wanted to be a booth babe. Her club is the one with meetings on weekend nights, and it’s the only one that asks for your phone number. She’s particularly looking forward to initiation activities. Remember, also: it’s not really incest if you’re just hooking up with your “little sib.”

Safeway and In-N-Out

Another key way to snag a frosh is by offering them something they can’t find in their classmates: a vehicle. Roxy’s ride takes you many places you’ve never been before…but Safeway is also a useful destination for a little pre-romp grocery shopping. Baby, you can drive my car. Beep beep, beep beep…yeah.

Flicks

For freshmen, MemAud is still a place of wonder: Three Books (read me all night long), The Real World, endless dorm chants and now, a dark room and some Sass. When that new romcom hits the auditorium screen, it’s the perfect chance to capitalize on the dark lighting and sentimental music with a class of students who still think on-campus movies are a cool event.

Fountain Hopping

Everyone’s wet.

Freshman year is full of firsts. Upperclassmen, make sure you’re one of them.
contact roxy: [email protected]