Once

I was a swan.

Perfectly feathered & white.

Yet below the surface,

The water was churning

As I tried and tried to stay afloat

Until one day, enough was enough

One last desperate splash and then silence.

I remember the day my feet stopped paddling. It was fall of my freshman year and I was drowning. After 18 years of swimming towards a destination that was suppose to make me happy but really just left me wanting more, I stopped. I could no longer pretend to be perfect. Behind my perfect grades, smile and “white” feathers, I was perfectly unhappy. I had lost all joy in college life. I felt like I had nothing left to give.

Sinking…sinking…

One day, I fell apart. My identity and assumptions about life shattered around me, and I felt like I could not pick up the pieces. They say that creation comes from destruction, but what happens when you don’t have the energy to build yourself back up?

Deeper…deeper…

Alone. I felt so alone. Yes, I was surrounded by loving family and friends. Yes, I had classes full of eager peers to be my friends. But I was terrified to let anyone know the real me: how could any one imagine that enthusiastic Taylor was falling into depression? But I could no longer pretend. So I let go.

Surrender.

I am struggling, I told my family. I do not think I can do another quarter. Please, please help me.

Rising…rising…

So I sought help. I began sharing my feelings with a therapist and later opened up with my friends. CAPs, Bridge, YES+ and the Happiness course — yes, I did them all. I started meditating daily, practicing yoga and writing in a joy and gratitude journal every night. I took the initiative in my own mental state, but was never afraid to look for others for guidance.

Higher…higher…

As soon as I opened up, I realized that I was not alone in my struggles. We all suffer. We feel pain. All we can do is try to break our own cycle of suffering and not pretend that we are separate from others.

After months of active efforts to feel good, I noticed that I did not have to paddle so hard to perform well. Yes, I still struggle and have hard days. I still fall down and feel distress — but now it is easier to pick myself back up or at least be comfortable with the uncertainty.

Bliss.

For me to find happiness, I had to look deeply within myself. While we do not always have control of our emotions, we do have control over how we choose to handle them.

We do not have to be swans. We do not have to pretend to be perfect and in control. We do not need to be afraid or embarrassed to seek out the resources on campus or be honest with our peers. Even if you feel alone right now, try to make an effort to reach out to another. Who knows, they might be feeling alone as well.

We must allow ourselves to honestly and openly talk about how we feel (both the good and the bad emotions) and then take whatever steps are necessary to feel better. This is the first step to preventing any of our classmates or ourselves from sinking too low. Together we have the skills and support to pull ourselves up.

I hope that my experience may resonate with you and help you see that you are not alone in your personal struggle. There is a community here at Stanford that cares deeply about you and wants to help you thrive in every way.

This week is Stanford’s first annual De-Duck Yourself Week. The ASSU and Health and Wellness groups on campus hope to spark conversations, recognition and provide tools to help each of us not fall prey or suffer from the all to common “duck syndrome.” I hope you all will join me for activities throughout the week to share your feelings, replenish your body and learn proactive skills to overcome struggle and thrive at Stanford.

Sincerely,

Taylor Paige Winfield ‘13

ASSU Chair of Health and Wellness